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Just the Tips:
Hysterical’s Sex Tips

by Christina Shideler

1.

Have a date in your office building and lose the piss keys from the public restroom. Toss those urethral guardians out of the window and hang out with your beloved under fluorescence and drop tiles and the fish smell from Brenda's leftovers you tried to passively aggressively get her not to microwave by placing a frowning fish sticker on the microwave. This is romance in late stage, capitalism, boo! Stand around the water cooler and talk about the Must See TV line up from 1996 and stay hydrated! Once your bladders are fit to burst, just go to the Starbucks next door and piss, silly! The sense of relief you feel will make any ole' mediocre sex stuff feel like a god has called you up to the big leagues as the new hot fresh millennial sex deity or like you lived in a world where you didn't have to sell your labor to enrich other people just to survive. If anybody calls this piss play, tell them they don't understand metaphors.

2.

Flick it. Pull it. Twist it. Spin it.

Bop it, bitch!


3.

Try some role play to spice up any stale relationship. You can pretend that you're a barely legal teen while your partner is a sexy teacher! Really inhabit these roles by having your partner assign you a short essay on the War of 1812. Watch their face fall as you fail to remember a single fact about this seminal piece of American history. When you ask: "uhhh...who fought in that war again?" and all lust and also respect drains from their face, you will be brought right back into your high school calculus classroom when your basketball couch cum math teacher told you maybe you should stick to language arts. Pretend that this ignorance is a character choice. Ride your partner's wave of suspended disbelief straight into the best orgasm of your life! A+!!!


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