Just the Tips:
Hysterical’s Sex Tips
by Christina Shideler
1. The Tom Cruise
Gather their genitals in your mouth while on a cruise paid for by your aging mother who doesn't like them exactly but keeps saying "...if you're happy.." wistfully while thoughts of your ex flash across her eyes. Make it even hotter by chowing on those bits in an adjacent cabin with thin walls, blasting Jimmy Buffet over tinny iPhone speakers to cover up the noises of everyone's adequate orgasm.
2. It’s Always Halloween In Your Mouth
Peel a half pound of grapes meticulously, tearing skin from fruit flesh with a kind of careful animal intensity that only male birds creating immaculate fuck palaces from blue plastic can understand. Fill your cheeks with those peeled grapes like a sex chipmunk and suck his dick till kingdom (or he!) comes. He'll think you love his cock so much that you harvested eyeballs from unsuspecting creatures for his pleasure and this will be the blow job that makes him finally understand true love.
When getting ready for your date, record everything you do in preparation: plucking, shaving, washing, masking, painting, sanding, drying, scraping. Edit it together into a video with the song “I do it for you” by Bryan Adams playing. Force your date to watch this before the date begins. True love will celebrate your efforts.
4. The Conch
In a moment of passion, find your lover’s closest orifice, purse your lips (get that sex embouchure ready! We suggest French horn style: two thirds upper lip, one third lower) and BLOW! When your lover exclaims “I thought you said you were giving me head!” Laugh and say “I am!” and listen for the timbre of their guts as your air travels throughout their body. If the tone of the burp or fart is a C#, marry them! If the tone ever changes, this is grounds for divorce.
5. You’re My Ice Ice Baby
Go back to your home town and find the snow cone stand that you used to go to with friends and crushes after soccer practice, yes the one where the geese harassed you. Ask for a large of your favorite flavor and place it in a travel cooler with dried ice. Go back home and let it melt. After it’s liquified, pour it into ice cube trays and refreeze. Use these on her nipples next time she comes over right before you say I love you for the first time. The mix of second hand nostalgia, temperature play, and real emotion will drive her WILD!