by Julia Watson
I know why you hate me-- let’s not pretend.
I get more ass than you’ll get in a lifetime
within the span of a few days.
I mean, what’s not to hate?
You suckers knock out after three glasses of wine—
Merlot? That’s where the magic happens. Plato is quaking
in his boots cause my honey pot is everywhere and that mother
is endless. I’ll fuck on your ripe bananas or get cozy
on your new granite sink. Your wife won’t even touch you
meanwhile polygamy is the name of the game where I’m from—
we’re so Mormon we make Mitt Romney look sacrilegious and Sister Wives
lose their nightly slot. Scientists named me with a high sexual learning
curve and you didn’t see nipples ‘till junior year. You want to kill me?
Good luck, muchacho. I’m smaller than your college GPA and swifter
than Muhammed Ali. Just when you think you’ve smashed my red eyes
between your sweaty, fat palm—nah, I Vietconged outta there faster
than Buzz Lightyear on an espresso kick. Unlike your garage punk band,
my brothers back me up like a microscopic West Side Story brawl
and yeah, I know your tricks. Vinegar? So 1990s. Don’t you know
I can jack off to the aroma of your lady’s DKNY Be Delicious--
I mean, green apple scent? Seriously? My brain’s two hair breadths long
and five across yet your log of a noggin can’t figure out the language
of love or how to make your lady blush. My bitches swoon over the sound
of my wings—it’s like a Frank Sinatra song with all the vibrato
and none of the sappy shit. You spent $100 to get down your woman’s
skirt and me? Zip. Nada. What’s money to a baller like me? I’m unemployed
and still—more tail than you. And yeah, sure—give it a few weeks
and I’ll be out of your hair. But I’m going down swinging, buddy.
You’ll be scared to buy bananas for weeks and Chardonnay
is a Chardon-nah. My babies got babies on babies and this summertime
soldier will see you before you can say my name three times fast. Just remember
to leave the honeypot out for me this time, yeah?
Julia Watson is a native of Atlanta, Georgia and holds a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing from Florida State University where she won the Sassaman Award for Outstanding Creative Writing. She will be joining North Carolina State University in the fall of 2019 to pursue her MFA in poetry. Currently, she is the Writer Liaison for Ember: a Journal of Luminous Things and a 5th grade English teacher in North Carolina. Her works have been published in (Un)incorporated, The Kudzu Review, Outrageous Fortune, RueScribe, among other magazines. When not engaged in literature, she enjoys cooking vegan meals with lots of Sriracha.